Have you ever had a nightmare? You know, the one where you wake up in a panicky sweat, short of breath, convincing yourself it was just a bad dream? Yeah, one of those.
If you’re like me, you take some time to breathe and calm yourself down until you’re able to relax and settle back into a comfortable position. Sometimes turning on a simple nightlight is helpful. Piercing through the all consuming darkness, that small light can give the added assurance needed to calm your restless mind.
Climbing back into bed, you’re finally settled and ready to fall back asleep – BUT – you’re not really sure you WANT to, images from the nightmare still fresh in your mind. Like scenes from a movie playing over and over, you’re afraid the instant you close your eyes, you’ll pick up right where you left off. You fear going through the same nightmare all over again.
If you’re lucky, you sleep peacefully through the remainder of the night. Other times, you have the same nightmare multiple times until the sounds of the alarm clock rescue you from the dark, restless night.
I remember a few years ago waking up from a nightmare. Still groggy from a late night, I sit up, pushing the covers away from me. I’m confused, but glad to be awake. Taking a few breaths, I look around my bedroom, still trying to clear my mind. I begin to relax. My eyes fall on my 10 month old son sleeping peacefully beside me. Suddenly, my stomach sinks and I feel like throwing up. Like someone placing a knife in an open wound, I become painfully aware that I’m not awaking from a nightmare; I’m living in the midst of one.
Scenes from the previous day rush through my mind like a terrible movie I never want to see again. Tears stream down my face as I recall my son’s MRI and the doctor with an accent that tells me, “There is a mass.” The nurse helps me to the chair as I struggle to breathe and the room spins all around me. She brings a box of Kleenex and I apologize for my tears, telling her my cousin is dying from a brain tumor. Trying to catch my breath, I look at my son, sleeping still from the anesthesia, waiting for it to wear off of his little body. People rush in and out, talking on the phone and to other hospital staff in the hallway. I’m called to the hallway, where I pick up the phone to talk to one of the specialists. She sounds so calm, giving me her personal cell phone number and instructions for our next steps. Nathan comes through the doors and walks toward me as I hang up the phone and my son begins to wake up. We rush to the surgery clinic across town to meet the neurosurgeon who will be removing the tumor in a few days.
Three months later, as I settled back into life following the surgery, another MRI started the nightmare all over again, resulting in 16 months of chemotherapy. Each MRI that has followed, I re-live the horror that happened, sending my sedated son into the MRI room, not knowing if we will have to go through the same nightmare yet again.
Thankfully, all the MRIs since that time have been positive, allowing the peaceful rest I so desire. It’s been almost four years since his surgery. Two solid years of being off of chemo with “No Evidence of Disease,” and I’m just now feeling able to relax and settle back into a comfortable position. I feel like myself again. The stress and anxiety that pulled so hard on me has slowed, and I’m starting to recognize the person I once was, four long years ago.
But another MRI approaches tomorrow. I lay awake, images still fresh in my mind, wondering if we’ll re-start this nightmare all over again. All the while praying God will grant us the ability to rest peacefully again for the next 6 months.
At camp last week, the kids’ favorite song to sing was My Lighthouse. The third verse and chorus go like this:
I won’t fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I’ll rise and sing
My God’s love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness. I will follow You
My lighthouse, my lighthouse
I will trust the promise.
You will carry me safe to shore
Safe to shore
Safe to shore
Safe to shore
No matter how dark the storm (or nightmare) gets, I have a lighthouse. HE will lead me through, safe to shore. Like the nightlight, His light pierces through the the all consuming darkness, giving the added assurance needed to calm my restless mind.
Isaiah 33:2 says, “Oh Lord be gracious to us; we long for you. Be our strength every morning, our salvation in time of distress.” A few days ago, I re-wrote this verse into a prayer of my own.
“Oh Lord be gracious to me, I long for you. Be my strength every morning, my salvation in time of distress. Help me not to fear, not to be afraid of what is to come, to live for today and not worry about tomorrow, or next week. Be gracious, be my strength and salvation. You are. Thank you for your peace.”
Your honest witness is an encouragement to me! 🙂
Thanks Angie!
Continued prayers and Amen for what the Lord has already done!
Thank you Jamie. And YES!!!
Oh, Amy, so many prayers for you and your sweet family and especially for Josiah! Thank you for your heart of love for God and for your son! Thank you for sharing that heart with all of us. We are just getting ready to do a Bible Study this fall called “When God doesn’t Fix It” by Laura Story who wrote and sang “Blessings”. I don’t know if you have read it, but it is an awesome story as well. I know God has used her and has used you all to touch many lives for Jesus thru this. Not how we envisioned our life, as she said, but we serve an amazing God who sees the whole picture!
I have not read that, but I that’s going on my list to read! I have heard some of her story, and didn’t know there was a study. Thanks for sharing! And, as always, thank you for your prayers; they are heard and always appreciated.
I know Karen and Nathan , and have been praying for Josiah for a long time. It is so wonderful of you to share your whole story with us. I will keep praying that all is well and he will soar in his life to come with Jesus by his side.
Thank you. We appreciate all the prayers. Thanks for reading!